Addict (June 2017)

The toxins run through your veins
As you cry out to the porcelain in your
dismay
You can’t get through the day
Without calling me.
You tell me your problems
And I solve them one by one
By lowering your heartbeat
Telling you
You don’t need
Anyone but yourself
And me.
The nighttime falls
And you will call
Me out.
I’ll burn your throat
One shot after another,
You keep me covered
And say you’ll never speak to me again.
But you’ll call me back,
And I’ll make up for the things you lack,
You know we are the best of friends.

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Toxins (June 2017)

The darkness comes out to play
And she says there’s no better way
Than to spend the day
With my head spinning this way.
Come to me,
Drown in me,
It calls.
No one can make you forget your death
wish
Like I can.
Don’t worry
It’ll only hurt for a little while
I swear I can make you smile.
Tomorrow you’ll swear you won’t speak to
me again.
But we both know I’m your only friend.

Thoughts (June 2017)

This house is a prison.
I sit in the dark and wait for them to
Come to me through the shadows.
They whisper in my ear,
Invading my thoughts.
They reach out with their long,
Thin fingers,
Clasping around my neck.
I’m gasping for air.
But I let them consume me.
I let them cut into my veins
And tear open my soul.
There’s no use fighting them anymore.
They never sleep.
They follow me during the day wherever I
go.
My soul is screaming
But I am powerless to make them leave.
Their whispers become louder with each
day.
As a matter of fact,
They’re whispering to me now.

I Wanted You: A Story (May 2017)

When I first saw you,
You didn’t smile
No words came from your mouth
You didn’t even look at me.
You just stood quietly and did your work,
While I did mine.
I watched your hands put each item in the
bag,
And I caught a glimpse of the stormiest
blue eyes I’ve ever seen.
I did not know then
How they would be a motif in writings to
come.

We were young.
You were clad in braces and glasses that
you would sometimes take off and fidget
in your hands.
I found it endearing.
But it was like you were battling with
something that
You couldn’t say aloud.
We sat alone in the break room.
Side by side not saying anything.
You didn’t even tell me your name.
I had learned it from another coworker.
While you were eating,
I took the time to lock you into my
memory.
Your blonde hair spilling out from your
sweatshirt hood,
Your lips protruding because of the
braces,
Your strong hands, fingernails bitten and
chewed,
Your slender nose,
You were beautiful.
I felt the electric feeling tingle through to
my fingertips
As I fought every urge to grab your
hand.
I wanted you
But I couldn’t have you.
Not yet.

We settled as friends
Even though we both felt the magnetic pull
between us.
You were the color in the mundane job we
both shared.
Seeing you caused such a jolt in my chest,
That I would have to look away.
Every time you came near,
I would fidget with my hair
Or check my appearance
in the monitor screen
I made the mistake of telling you how I felt
Before it was time.
I kicked myself for my childish decision.
I wasn’t ready for you yet.

Frigid winter days melted into summer
And the magnetic pull between us was
becoming stronger.
We spent days in your car listening to your
music.
We went to the park and I allowed myself
to lay my head in your lap.
I should have felt guilty.
But I didn’t.
Your braces were gone
And your teeth were perfect and beautiful
Just like everything about you.
With each passing day, I was falling more.
We would find ourselves sitting hand in
hand.
The feeling of your rough fingers over
mine
Sent me into a frenzy.
At night we would lay on my bed
And you wouldn’t say a word.
Your blue eyes staring off into some far
away place I could never reach.
Sometimes I would notice tears spilling
from them
And all of my instincts would scream to
grab you and hold you in my arms.
My childish nature stopped me.
That would be crossing the line
Of the perfect friendship in a teenage
summer.

Then there was her.
A new color to our mundane job
Who seemed to bring a sparkle to your
eye.
I noticed it right away.
Long curly hair,
I bet she didn’t pull at hers.
A bubbly personality,
Popular in school,
Everything I wasn’t.
I envied every inch of her as
You spent more time at her register
Than mine.
I shouldn’t be feeling like this,
It wasn’t fair of me.
But I didn’t care.
I wanted you.
But I couldn’t have you yet.
So I befriended her.

Months passed slowly as we began
drifting apart.
And it was my fault.
Everything creating cracks between us
Was caused by me.
We stopped working the same shifts.
I never saw you.
You hated me.
And it was all by my own doing.
I hated myself.
I craved to just even catch a glimpse of
you.
I spent hours thinking about how
It would have been if I
Did things differently.
I spent nights writing poems about you,
Days driving to our old spots to relive the
moments
Spent with you.
I took them for granted.
I remembered a day in particular when you
told me I looked radiant
And different from the other girls.
It was etched in my mind.
I would hear rumors about you from time
to time.
One was that you had found someone
else.
Proven to be true by a reliable source
Who spotted you holding hands with her.
Not the curly headed girl,
But someone else.
I’d had enough.
I was finished being childish.
I wanted you.
And I was ready for you.

So I told you.
I spilled my soul to you.
I wasn’t expecting anything in return,
But in the back of my mind,
I was hoping
You wanted me too.
You were angry.
Hurt.
Everything I expected you to be.
You told me
You were with someone else now
That I had chosen the worst time.
I bitterly swallowed your words.
I had waited too long.
I had taken this beautiful masterpiece and
Crushed it into pieces.
Pieces that I didn’t know how to put back
together.
I deserved this.
I deserved to watch you live a life without
me.
I would always hate myself for this.

Until one warm spring day,
You told me you were ready.
That original electric feeling took hold over
me.
You came to my house
It had been so long since I’d seen you in
my room.
Such a personal space.
I fidgeted with my hair
And checked my appearance in the mirror.
There you were.
Standing in front of me.
Blonde hair spilling from under your
backwards hat,
Hands in your pockets,
Blue eyes staring straight at me.
I felt such a jolt in my chest,
That I had to look away.
We laid on my bed
Just like those summer days,
And I laid my head on your chest.
No guilt.
Just warmth.
You told me you had to leave for work,
So I drove you to your car parked in the
street.
We sat for a minute
And you were looking at me the way all
girls want to be looked at.
The sun was setting behind you,
Making your hair golden.
You said there was something you had
been wanting to do for a long time.
I knew what it was but I pretended like I
didn’t.
My heart was pounding,
The magnetic pull closing in as you leaned
closer.
Your lips touched mine.
Electric sparks ignited in my brain
As we finally met in the right way.
I wanted you.
I was ready for you.

Here I am three years from when I first saw you,
Still in love with you.
You have shown me how to love
unconditionally.
You have completed me in every way that
someone could be completed.
Every kiss is as electric as the first,
Every time I look at you,
It’s like the first.
Long blonde hair spilling from your ball
cap,
Strong hands enveloping mine,
Slender nose,
And those beautiful stormy blue eyes.
I want you
Forever
I’m ready.

Wake Up (Dec 2015)

Here I am lying breathless
In a whirlpool of dreams
The dreams are better than
This reality.
Sometimes it’s a shame to wake up.
Drowning myself in alcohol or high
To make it all disappear.
It won’t ever disappear.
Shadows of who I once was
Will always be here to
Haunt me.
My hand will always be pressed
Against the glass,
Showing me all the choices I
Didn’t make.
Taunting me with their different
Outcomes.
It takes my breath away.
Suffocating
Until
Every
Last
Breath
Is
Gone.
Wake up.