I Wanted You: A Story (May 2017)

When I first saw you,
You didn’t smile
No words came from your mouth
You didn’t even look at me.
You just stood quietly and did your work,
While I did mine.
I watched your hands put each item in the
bag,
And I caught a glimpse of the stormiest
blue eyes I’ve ever seen.
I did not know then
How they would be a motif in writings to
come.

We were young.
You were clad in braces and glasses that
you would sometimes take off and fidget
in your hands.
I found it endearing.
But it was like you were battling with
something that
You couldn’t say aloud.
We sat alone in the break room.
Side by side not saying anything.
You didn’t even tell me your name.
I had learned it from another coworker.
While you were eating,
I took the time to lock you into my
memory.
Your blonde hair spilling out from your
sweatshirt hood,
Your lips protruding because of the
braces,
Your strong hands, fingernails bitten and
chewed,
Your slender nose,
You were beautiful.
I felt the electric feeling tingle through to
my fingertips
As I fought every urge to grab your
hand.
I wanted you
But I couldn’t have you.
Not yet.

We settled as friends
Even though we both felt the magnetic pull
between us.
You were the color in the mundane job we
both shared.
Seeing you caused such a jolt in my chest,
That I would have to look away.
Every time you came near,
I would fidget with my hair
Or check my appearance
in the monitor screen
I made the mistake of telling you how I felt
Before it was time.
I kicked myself for my childish decision.
I wasn’t ready for you yet.

Frigid winter days melted into summer
And the magnetic pull between us was
becoming stronger.
We spent days in your car listening to your
music.
We went to the park and I allowed myself
to lay my head in your lap.
I should have felt guilty.
But I didn’t.
Your braces were gone
And your teeth were perfect and beautiful
Just like everything about you.
With each passing day, I was falling more.
We would find ourselves sitting hand in
hand.
The feeling of your rough fingers over
mine
Sent me into a frenzy.
At night we would lay on my bed
And you wouldn’t say a word.
Your blue eyes staring off into some far
away place I could never reach.
Sometimes I would notice tears spilling
from them
And all of my instincts would scream to
grab you and hold you in my arms.
My childish nature stopped me.
That would be crossing the line
Of the perfect friendship in a teenage
summer.

Then there was her.
A new color to our mundane job
Who seemed to bring a sparkle to your
eye.
I noticed it right away.
Long curly hair,
I bet she didn’t pull at hers.
A bubbly personality,
Popular in school,
Everything I wasn’t.
I envied every inch of her as
You spent more time at her register
Than mine.
I shouldn’t be feeling like this,
It wasn’t fair of me.
But I didn’t care.
I wanted you.
But I couldn’t have you yet.
So I befriended her.

Months passed slowly as we began
drifting apart.
And it was my fault.
Everything creating cracks between us
Was caused by me.
We stopped working the same shifts.
I never saw you.
You hated me.
And it was all by my own doing.
I hated myself.
I craved to just even catch a glimpse of
you.
I spent hours thinking about how
It would have been if I
Did things differently.
I spent nights writing poems about you,
Days driving to our old spots to relive the
moments
Spent with you.
I took them for granted.
I remembered a day in particular when you
told me I looked radiant
And different from the other girls.
It was etched in my mind.
I would hear rumors about you from time
to time.
One was that you had found someone
else.
Proven to be true by a reliable source
Who spotted you holding hands with her.
Not the curly headed girl,
But someone else.
I’d had enough.
I was finished being childish.
I wanted you.
And I was ready for you.

So I told you.
I spilled my soul to you.
I wasn’t expecting anything in return,
But in the back of my mind,
I was hoping
You wanted me too.
You were angry.
Hurt.
Everything I expected you to be.
You told me
You were with someone else now
That I had chosen the worst time.
I bitterly swallowed your words.
I had waited too long.
I had taken this beautiful masterpiece and
Crushed it into pieces.
Pieces that I didn’t know how to put back
together.
I deserved this.
I deserved to watch you live a life without
me.
I would always hate myself for this.

Until one warm spring day,
You told me you were ready.
That original electric feeling took hold over
me.
You came to my house
It had been so long since I’d seen you in
my room.
Such a personal space.
I fidgeted with my hair
And checked my appearance in the mirror.
There you were.
Standing in front of me.
Blonde hair spilling from under your
backwards hat,
Hands in your pockets,
Blue eyes staring straight at me.
I felt such a jolt in my chest,
That I had to look away.
We laid on my bed
Just like those summer days,
And I laid my head on your chest.
No guilt.
Just warmth.
You told me you had to leave for work,
So I drove you to your car parked in the
street.
We sat for a minute
And you were looking at me the way all
girls want to be looked at.
The sun was setting behind you,
Making your hair golden.
You said there was something you had
been wanting to do for a long time.
I knew what it was but I pretended like I
didn’t.
My heart was pounding,
The magnetic pull closing in as you leaned
closer.
Your lips touched mine.
Electric sparks ignited in my brain
As we finally met in the right way.
I wanted you.
I was ready for you.

Here I am three years from when I first saw you,
Still in love with you.
You have shown me how to love
unconditionally.
You have completed me in every way that
someone could be completed.
Every kiss is as electric as the first,
Every time I look at you,
It’s like the first.
Long blonde hair spilling from your ball
cap,
Strong hands enveloping mine,
Slender nose,
And those beautiful stormy blue eyes.
I want you
Forever
I’m ready.

Wake Up (Dec 2015)

Here I am lying breathless
In a whirlpool of dreams
The dreams are better than
This reality.
Sometimes it’s a shame to wake up.
Drowning myself in alcohol or high
To make it all disappear.
It won’t ever disappear.
Shadows of who I once was
Will always be here to
Haunt me.
My hand will always be pressed
Against the glass,
Showing me all the choices I
Didn’t make.
Taunting me with their different
Outcomes.
It takes my breath away.
Suffocating
Until
Every
Last
Breath
Is
Gone.
Wake up.

Starlight (June 2016)

You’ve got starlight running through your
veins
And I’ve got the night running through
mine
Let’s let our souls collide
For you are the stars to my dark sky.
You are the moon,
Illuminating every part of me until I’m full
of light again,
And lighting up a path for me to walk on.
You are the dream awake in reality,
Your celestial essence is the remedy my
soul craves
You’re alive inside of me,
Affecting my heart and brain waves,
Taking hold of me and turning me into
something
Good.
I was a combination of dust and bones
groggily dragging through the phases of
time,
But you are the chalice I drink from to
make me
Illuminate.
Now you are running through my veins,
And we are both magnificent stars in the
dark sky of life.

The Forest (May 2016)

The light from my eyes is fading with the
afternoon sun,
Always staying asleep because I’m more
alive in my dreams
Muddling reality,
I always wished to stay asleep
Until you came in sweeping every bit of life
into my soul
Kissing my numb lips until every part of
me is
Alive.
The long wilted flowers inside of me bloom
As you trace my face with your fingers.
You are the dream brought into life,
Making me want to stay awake with you in
this world forever.
Enlighten me, my darling
Make me see things in the enthralling way
you do
Follow me on this journey into ourselves,
I’ll save you from your forest
As you save me from mine.
And the lines between love and hurt will be
clear until the end of time
Just love
Just us
And the light in your eyes.

Nicotine and Broken Dreams (April 2016)

My breath smells like nicotine
And broken dreams
As I gaze up at the stars
And wonder how you are
I don’t know just how I came to be
But it’s clear to me
That I am falling apart.
Trapped inside my own mind
Knowing that who I need to find
Is someone I never was
So excuse me while I’m lost in this melody
And lose myself to this head rush.

Sunsets and silhouettes are beautiful like
you
But as do they,
They come to an end
And fade out like we do.
We’re all just crowded in the same
notion of “forever”
Settling down at these early ages
Because there isn’t anything better
And I remember often on nights
I would stare into your eyes
And compare you to the light of the moon
Holding on to something that’s gone
But desperately clinging to you.

And if I could just disappear
To get away from here,
Then maybe you could fully let go,
But I don’t have the courage to stop the
blood in my veins
So I guess I’ll never know.

My breath smells like nicotine
And broken dreams
I can’t let you know
That my mouth says, “forget me”
But my eyes say, “don’t let me go.”

Intertwined (April 2016)

My hand locked in his
As I slipped under his atmosphere
Of vibrant color and beautiful lights
I was finally able to breathe
He set me free

Muse and artist intertwining with each
other,
The diamonds in his eyes coming to life,
He was always there beside me but miles
apart from my soul
Lost in his mind,
I could never reach him
Until our lips met
And the lines between our bodies were
blurring into a masterpiece
Our lips the paintbrush,
And our skin the canvas

Your hands ran over me
Sculpting me and making me yours
And colors grew brighter
Sounds became louder
You opened my mind
And I found myself there,
Weathered and beaten
Gray and shrouded in angst.
But you gave me light
You shone through me
And filled my lungs with the sweetest air

You have set me free.

I am Writing This For You (Dec 2015)

I am writing this for you.
I know the seas aren’t the most calm right
now,
And you’re fighting to keep from drowning,
But I am writing this for you.
Years from now,
You’re going to feel the sun on your face,
Warming every inch of your skin,
Dazzling your eyes.
You’re going to run to the city,
Buy a studio apartment and live among
those who are chasing their dreams
You’re going to glow under the city lights and
Walk hand in hand down the sidewalks
with someone who smiles at you with their
eyes,
And sees you for the beautiful mess that
you are
And love every part of you.
For you are only a mess, not corrupted.
You are going to stand by the ocean
And breathe in the salt and sand,
Knowing that you no longer have to fight,
Knowing you won’t drown.
You’ll gaze at a calm sea and accept that
you will have storms but you have a vessel
strong enough to weather them.
I am writing this for you,
A warrior of your own soul,
Still persevering,
Still winning the battles,
And ultimately the war.
I am writing this for you.