Thoughts (June 2017)

This house is a prison.
I sit in the dark and wait for them to
Come to me through the shadows.
They whisper in my ear,
Invading my thoughts.
They reach out with their long,
Thin fingers,
Clasping around my neck.
I’m gasping for air.
But I let them consume me.
I let them cut into my veins
And tear open my soul.
There’s no use fighting them anymore.
They never sleep.
They follow me during the day wherever I
My soul is screaming
But I am powerless to make them leave.
Their whispers become louder with each
As a matter of fact,
They’re whispering to me now.


I Wanted You: A Story (May 2017)

When I first saw you,
You didn’t smile
No words came from your mouth
You didn’t even look at me.
You just stood quietly and did your work,
While I did mine.
I watched your hands put each item in the
And I caught a glimpse of the stormiest
blue eyes I’ve ever seen.
I did not know then
How they would be a motif in writings to

We were young.
You were clad in braces and glasses that
you would sometimes take off and fidget
in your hands.
I found it endearing.
But it was like you were battling with
something that
You couldn’t say aloud.
We sat alone in the break room.
Side by side not saying anything.
You didn’t even tell me your name.
I had learned it from another coworker.
While you were eating,
I took the time to lock you into my
Your blonde hair spilling out from your
sweatshirt hood,
Your lips protruding because of the
Your strong hands, fingernails bitten and
Your slender nose,
You were beautiful.
I felt the electric feeling tingle through to
my fingertips
As I fought every urge to grab your
I wanted you
But I couldn’t have you.
Not yet.

We settled as friends
Even though we both felt the magnetic pull
between us.
You were the color in the mundane job we
both shared.
Seeing you caused such a jolt in my chest,
That I would have to look away.
Every time you came near,
I would fidget with my hair
Or check my appearance
in the monitor screen
I made the mistake of telling you how I felt
Before it was time.
I kicked myself for my childish decision.
I wasn’t ready for you yet.

Frigid winter days melted into summer
And the magnetic pull between us was
becoming stronger.
We spent days in your car listening to your
We went to the park and I allowed myself
to lay my head in your lap.
I should have felt guilty.
But I didn’t.
Your braces were gone
And your teeth were perfect and beautiful
Just like everything about you.
With each passing day, I was falling more.
We would find ourselves sitting hand in
The feeling of your rough fingers over
Sent me into a frenzy.
At night we would lay on my bed
And you wouldn’t say a word.
Your blue eyes staring off into some far
away place I could never reach.
Sometimes I would notice tears spilling
from them
And all of my instincts would scream to
grab you and hold you in my arms.
My childish nature stopped me.
That would be crossing the line
Of the perfect friendship in a teenage

Then there was her.
A new color to our mundane job
Who seemed to bring a sparkle to your
I noticed it right away.
Long curly hair,
I bet she didn’t pull at hers.
A bubbly personality,
Popular in school,
Everything I wasn’t.
I envied every inch of her as
You spent more time at her register
Than mine.
I shouldn’t be feeling like this,
It wasn’t fair of me.
But I didn’t care.
I wanted you.
But I couldn’t have you yet.
So I befriended her.

Months passed slowly as we began
drifting apart.
And it was my fault.
Everything creating cracks between us
Was caused by me.
We stopped working the same shifts.
I never saw you.
You hated me.
And it was all by my own doing.
I hated myself.
I craved to just even catch a glimpse of
I spent hours thinking about how
It would have been if I
Did things differently.
I spent nights writing poems about you,
Days driving to our old spots to relive the
Spent with you.
I took them for granted.
I remembered a day in particular when you
told me I looked radiant
And different from the other girls.
It was etched in my mind.
I would hear rumors about you from time
to time.
One was that you had found someone
Proven to be true by a reliable source
Who spotted you holding hands with her.
Not the curly headed girl,
But someone else.
I’d had enough.
I was finished being childish.
I wanted you.
And I was ready for you.

So I told you.
I spilled my soul to you.
I wasn’t expecting anything in return,
But in the back of my mind,
I was hoping
You wanted me too.
You were angry.
Everything I expected you to be.
You told me
You were with someone else now
That I had chosen the worst time.
I bitterly swallowed your words.
I had waited too long.
I had taken this beautiful masterpiece and
Crushed it into pieces.
Pieces that I didn’t know how to put back
I deserved this.
I deserved to watch you live a life without
I would always hate myself for this.

Until one warm spring day,
You told me you were ready.
That original electric feeling took hold over
You came to my house
It had been so long since I’d seen you in
my room.
Such a personal space.
I fidgeted with my hair
And checked my appearance in the mirror.
There you were.
Standing in front of me.
Blonde hair spilling from under your
backwards hat,
Hands in your pockets,
Blue eyes staring straight at me.
I felt such a jolt in my chest,
That I had to look away.
We laid on my bed
Just like those summer days,
And I laid my head on your chest.
No guilt.
Just warmth.
You told me you had to leave for work,
So I drove you to your car parked in the
We sat for a minute
And you were looking at me the way all
girls want to be looked at.
The sun was setting behind you,
Making your hair golden.
You said there was something you had
been wanting to do for a long time.
I knew what it was but I pretended like I
My heart was pounding,
The magnetic pull closing in as you leaned
Your lips touched mine.
Electric sparks ignited in my brain
As we finally met in the right way.
I wanted you.
I was ready for you.

Here I am three years from when I first saw you,
Still in love with you.
You have shown me how to love
You have completed me in every way that
someone could be completed.
Every kiss is as electric as the first,
Every time I look at you,
It’s like the first.
Long blonde hair spilling from your ball
Strong hands enveloping mine,
Slender nose,
And those beautiful stormy blue eyes.
I want you
I’m ready.

Wake Up (Dec 2015)

Here I am lying breathless
In a whirlpool of dreams
The dreams are better than
This reality.
Sometimes it’s a shame to wake up.
Drowning myself in alcohol or high
To make it all disappear.
It won’t ever disappear.
Shadows of who I once was
Will always be here to
Haunt me.
My hand will always be pressed
Against the glass,
Showing me all the choices I
Didn’t make.
Taunting me with their different
It takes my breath away.
Wake up.

Starlight (June 2016)

You’ve got starlight running through your
And I’ve got the night running through
Let’s let our souls collide
For you are the stars to my dark sky.
You are the moon,
Illuminating every part of me until I’m full
of light again,
And lighting up a path for me to walk on.
You are the dream awake in reality,
Your celestial essence is the remedy my
soul craves
You’re alive inside of me,
Affecting my heart and brain waves,
Taking hold of me and turning me into
I was a combination of dust and bones
groggily dragging through the phases of
But you are the chalice I drink from to
make me
Now you are running through my veins,
And we are both magnificent stars in the
dark sky of life.

The Forest (May 2016)

The light from my eyes is fading with the
afternoon sun,
Always staying asleep because I’m more
alive in my dreams
Muddling reality,
I always wished to stay asleep
Until you came in sweeping every bit of life
into my soul
Kissing my numb lips until every part of
me is
The long wilted flowers inside of me bloom
As you trace my face with your fingers.
You are the dream brought into life,
Making me want to stay awake with you in
this world forever.
Enlighten me, my darling
Make me see things in the enthralling way
you do
Follow me on this journey into ourselves,
I’ll save you from your forest
As you save me from mine.
And the lines between love and hurt will be
clear until the end of time
Just love
Just us
And the light in your eyes.

Nicotine and Broken Dreams (April 2016)

My breath smells like nicotine
And broken dreams
As I gaze up at the stars
And wonder how you are
I don’t know just how I came to be
But it’s clear to me
That I am falling apart.
Trapped inside my own mind
Knowing that who I need to find
Is someone I never was
So excuse me while I’m lost in this melody
And lose myself to this head rush.

Sunsets and silhouettes are beautiful like
But as do they,
They come to an end
And fade out like we do.
We’re all just crowded in the same
notion of “forever”
Settling down at these early ages
Because there isn’t anything better
And I remember often on nights
I would stare into your eyes
And compare you to the light of the moon
Holding on to something that’s gone
But desperately clinging to you.

And if I could just disappear
To get away from here,
Then maybe you could fully let go,
But I don’t have the courage to stop the
blood in my veins
So I guess I’ll never know.

My breath smells like nicotine
And broken dreams
I can’t let you know
That my mouth says, “forget me”
But my eyes say, “don’t let me go.”

Intertwined (April 2016)

My hand locked in his
As I slipped under his atmosphere
Of vibrant color and beautiful lights
I was finally able to breathe
He set me free

Muse and artist intertwining with each
The diamonds in his eyes coming to life,
He was always there beside me but miles
apart from my soul
Lost in his mind,
I could never reach him
Until our lips met
And the lines between our bodies were
blurring into a masterpiece
Our lips the paintbrush,
And our skin the canvas

Your hands ran over me
Sculpting me and making me yours
And colors grew brighter
Sounds became louder
You opened my mind
And I found myself there,
Weathered and beaten
Gray and shrouded in angst.
But you gave me light
You shone through me
And filled my lungs with the sweetest air

You have set me free.